Jawzwa playez sum sissyboy musics and I seed it in person

by Phlebus Clay

11.9.2014 - WINTHRUPP & DORCHESDAR, MA - Phlebus hear agin. So's, as you all know, I'm the live musics editer here at the Lapin Herald. That mean I go out two concertz an then tell you how it make me feel on the insides and such. Well, this wekend was no axe seption. They tells me "Phelbus, you gots to take you a bus out t'wards the Boston aria and make your way up to some place cald Wintripp."

"Why that is?" I questioned back to them. They saysd Jawzwa was playing a shoe there in some fine stablishment. I says, OK, but I needs my purdeem up front for living expenses. The big city aint cheap. I'd bee loukin at upwards of $40 per night for lodging aloan. Up in that carpetbagger part of the country they probably make me sip lahtays and kiss men on the lips by law. I aint know what to expect.

So's the Grayhownd drops me off in downtown Boston, right? And the guy... well's, I thinked he was a guy... in the infomasion boof telled me I got to go northbound on one of there unnergrownd locomotives and then get on anuther buss. I says "well that's fuckin retarded. I was jussed on a goddamn buss. Why he aint taked me there direct-like?" They start jabberin away some nonsense about the city having a bunch of different busses what go in different diretshins. I's like, "you spect me to be leaf ure fancypants town has multi-pull busses?" Sounded fucking stoopid then, sounds fuckin stoopid now. Alls the same, I found my way to this sipposid "Winthrip". No thanks to the MBTA, honistly.

I got into the goddamn place roundabouts 8PM. It's like, where the fuck everyone at? The place was dead as fuck, so I'm like "bartender, aint you done promotions?" He shuck his head and gave me some goddamn cosmopolitin to drink. Mind you, I ordered a pint of Golden Anniverzeree, but they said alls they had was cosmos or "chocotinis". I gues I got the lesser of too evils. Tasted like momma's nale polish remover, but inn a bad weigh.

8:15 roles around and some fello goes up on the stage (cept weren't rely a stage, more like a part of the restaurant where folx wasn't sitin) and starts tappin away at his like computer box machine and drums start a playin'. I's like, how that be? Back home ifn' we want drums, we gotta call up one of the Percy boys from up the road and he comes by with a snare straped to his chest bangin' away like his grategrategranduncle did at the Battle of Pea Ridge. But the Percy boys are a bit ruff around the ejis, so we don't call them much. We just play our songs on the bango and Jew's harp, but I degress...

This guy "Jawzwa" starts playing some things and singing bout his emotions and whatnot. Their was noises in betwixt the numbers. Not my cupatea. I had to all listen hard for the chorus and it was all like, stuff I wasn't expectin on, so it made me uncumfrtroble. I yeled out for him to maybe do a Creadince song or too, but he ingored me. By the fith song, I was all "bartender, get me anothr cosmo cuz it's gonna be a long night." But soon as I thought things was bleke, he finished up with a version of the Golden Girl theme song, like from the begining of the TV shoe.

Man, I loved the Golden Girl. It all ways made me giggil. So I gess the evening wasn't a total loss.

After the shoe, I headed back to the motor lodge to catch some shuteye. Cept, when I woke up, ready to head back home, I got a call sayin I had to hang around town a whiles longer and rite about another Jawzwa showe what was gonna happen on the upcoming Saturday. Grate, I thought... I gotta kill a hole weke in a citie I aint even no, and with no money to speak of (purdeem was spended alreddy on the cosmos).

So I thought I would look round at all the histrical stuff Boston has to ofer. Like the Poll Revear statue and whatnot. Well, I takled that in about 3 ours and weren't much imprest. I spent the othar 6 days more or less layin' low in the alleywayz.

Saturday aftornune comes around and I find mysef in the Dorchestar nayb or hood. A rele rachaelly diverz sorta place. Like downtown Little Rock. I got into the hall wear the Jawza things was sippose too go down. I relay licked this place. Much bettor than the Winthripp one. All the people at this shoe were on my level. They served my kinda bere and the opening act was grate. They war them caps like papa wears and some sports t-shirts and man was they lowd! Nocked my socks of. No what else was grate? There hole preformins was full of the kinda angor I can relaid too and they let me now rite off the bats what they ethnocentrificle back ground were. I was all, NOW THIS I LICK!

But then Jawzwa pranced up to the mike.

Yup, you guest it... more computer bleeps, delokit guitarring and senyouall vocals. I's like, BRING ON THE FIRST BAND! But know, it was more Jawzwa. Middleweigh through his set the deejay comes up and cuts him off, tellin the oddy yens we gotta anouns the rafle winners. I was rele excited cause I bought about $1,000 worth of tickets on credit, nowing that I was shore to win. Well... to make a long storey sured, I got zilch. Not even the fancy new 14" TV with a built in VCR that I was dreamin over. I'd like, "FUCKIN HELL! WHY ME?" The bartender came round axing me for the money I borrowt, so I skeedaddled on outta there and ran to the Greyhound station.

In concluson, Jawzwa aint all he crakt up to be. But that opening act... them I like rele gud.